Where does God figure in this?

This is not God’s plan for me, or any of us, of that I am sure. There are way too many promises of goodness, prosperity, fulfilment in the Bible for me to believe that he planned for me to be in this place.

Jeremiah 29:11-12

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

For me I see God as the incredible creator, from a magnificent mountains to the intricate detail of a flower, he knows what he is doing when he knits a life together in the womb, he knew my children before I knew they were there. He is my Abba Father, he is my daddy God, just as my own Dad wants so much good for me, how much more would my Father God want?

I feel robbed of my joy and that precious gift of life, as much as I believe in God I also accept that there is a devil, a force against us, he came to kill steal and destroy… Well he has robbed from me this time but he will not kill or destroy My hope or my faith. My hope and my trust is in God and the future he has for me.

The first pregnancy was ectopic, there was a blockage in my right hand tube, the second has ended as a missed miscarriage and tests have shown the baby had trisomy 9, a rare chromosome disorder. We will continue on  in hope that the next conception will result in a viable, healthy pregnancy and trusting God’s plan for us.

Philippians 3.13-14 … (slightly edited by me)

But one thing I do: (not) forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Now we are taking one step at a time …

New Year, new start

We are a few days away from New Year, not looking forward to it a whole bunch… I was until last week and then I froze.

A new year means starting over and that starting over means facing fears…. will I get pregnant, will I stay pregnant, will the baby be healthy are are the forefront of my mind.

Pregnancy and babies should be exciting, anxiety should be tied up in ‘how do I’s’, not ‘will my baby live?’

Now I wipe the tears from my face and square up… what can I do to play my part?

Get healthy, lose some more weight, take my supplements, sort my diary out… and love the life I have.

Unintentionally we seem to have put life on hold, pulled back from people, that needs to change, I need to make a change.

So my resolutions are: to get out more, to open back up to people, to let go of the pain of the loss and hold onto the hope, to look after myself, to grab the opportunities to do something fun with my husband.

Think a bucket list for 2014 would be an idea….

beach holiday, fishing, kayaking, cookery course for starters …